Sometimes....all I need is the air that I breathe and some Bravo...

I love the Bravo channel. I mean...I Luh-uh-uh-uh-OVE the Bravo channel. The shows on there draw me in and give me something to look forward to almost every single night. It's how I keep track of the days, really. It's my calendar. Pathetic, right? I don't care. Bravo is my guilty pleasure...well, THAT and the "good chocolate" that I hide in my nightstand from the kids and the hubby.
From Top Chef to My Life on the D List, Bravo always delivers a dose of voyeuristic reality nirvana. Don't even get me started on The Real Housewives of --- series (Word Nene, Caroline rocks the NJ Mafia, and Bethanny - you are my GIRL!) I will sit for HOURS watching re-run after re-run after re-run of the Housewives, saying aloud the lines that I have memorized like one of those Stars Wars fanatics used to do back in the '70's ("I've seen it 437 times, man. I have several theories about the Dark Side. Want to come over? We can hang out in the basement and play the soundtrack and re-enact the fight scenes. BYOLS - Bring Your Own Light Saber.")
Anyway, my latest obsession is the Next Great Artist, not so much from the standpoint of enjoying great art and the process from which it comes, but from a purely comedic point of view. These guys KILL me! EVERYTHING is WAY deep and has suffocatingly heavy meaning. One of the more-hailed conceptual pieces was comprised of the artist taking a nap on a puffy, weird pillow between two concrete anuses (would two anuses be "ani"?) I can't remember what the piece was supposed to represent, but it probably had to do with Mommy-didn't-hug-me-enough or something. (Doesn't most great art come from having crappy parents?)
The absolute best part of the show, though, is when the artist is describing their art to onlookers and judges. It goes something like this (picture a very skinny, pale 20-ish guy with long bangs which he is constantly swishing to the left side so he can see, in my mind he also talks with a slow Valley-Girl-on-'ludes accent...which HE thinks makes him sound sullen and tortured...idiot):
"Uh...yeah...my piece is, like, representative of the separation of the classes in modern-day America, anti-capitalism...and society is, like, just not good and stuff...and, oh, yeah, and anti-existentialism, juxtaposed against the tyranny of, like, neo-apocalyptical greed and the beauty of pre-man Earth."
"Really, that's what you were going for?"
"Oh, yeah, dude. Can't you see it, man?"
"No. I can't. I just see a bunch of splashes and smears of paint."
"Dude......squint."
"Oh! Okay...oh, now wait a minute. I think I see a hippo wearing a Sh*t Happens t-shirt and a tutu...eating a triple-decker ice-cream cone...and standing on one foot in front of the Twin Towers?"
"Exactly."
"Uh hmmm.... Well...that certainly is an interesting piece. Tell me, how did you get that smear pattern? What kind of paint brush did you use?"
"My butt."

The Five Days of VBS

This chronicles the five days of taking my three children to Vacation Bible School. Set to "The Twelve Days of Christmas"...beginning at, say, Day 8.

The first day of VBS was such a joy to me...
Got new bill$ to donate,
15 minutes early,
Three ironed outfits,
FIIIIIVE DAYS OF FUUUUUN.......
Four home-cooked breakfasts
Three smiling faces,
Too glad to get there,
And a minivan full of glee.

The second day of VBS was such a joy to me...
Some cash and some quarters,
10 minutes early,
Fluffed clothes in the dryer,
FOOOOUR DAYS OF FUUUUUN.......
Scrambled eggs and hot toast,
Three smiling faces,
O, so glad to get there,
And a minivan full of glee.

The third day of VBS was such a joy to me...
Nickels, dimes, and quarters,
3 minutes early,
Well at least they match well,
THREEEEE DAYS OF FUUUUN......
Everyone had Pop Tarts,
Three sleepy faces,
"Geez, when will we get there?"
And I nearly drove into a tree.

The fourth day of VBS was such a joy to me...
Three nickels and a penny,
1 minute early,
"Does everyone have shoes on?"
TWOOOOO DAYS OF FUUUUUN.....
Powdered sugar doughnuts,
Three cranky faces,
"Do we REALLY have to go there?"
Crafts are piling up to our knees.

The fifth day of VBS was such a joy to me...
Pennies and a token,
Driving in on two wheels,
"Just wear your pajamas!"
LAAAAAST DAY OF FUUUUUN.......
Juice box and a vitamin,
Three resentful faces,
"Next year we're NOT coming!"
"How come the minivan smells like pee?"

Ode to a Bunny

Oh, little bunny,
How my heart hath adored,
Watching you grow,
Just out my back door.

Such a sweet, gentle creature,
With eyes wide and clear.
Such a delicate feature
Your sweet, tiny ears.

Oh, my heart hath warmed,
Watching you sprite,
Across my green lawn,
To my children's delight.

And now that you've grown,
I must say, alas,
If you keep eating my flowers,
I shall fricassee your A$$!