Listerine is anti-bacterial, right?

The Princess has been potty trained for a while now, but her wiping and handwashing skills are still, let's say, lacking. The wiping is more of a wipe-the-leg-and-drop-the-paper-in, and the hand washing is, apparently, a challenge to see just how high she can get the soap bubbles to fly up the mirror (...and the counter...and the wall...and the floor...).

Imagine, then, my surprise when she ran into the kitchen the other day saying, "Mom, I go potty!"

"You need to go?"

"No, I awready go."

"You did? Big girl! Let's go wash your hands."

"No, I awready wash hands."

Oh crap. I run to the bathroom preparing for a full on bubble disaster. Hmm....dry floor. Hmm...dry sink. "Madeline, how exactly did you wash your hands?"

"I WASH *lick finger* DEM WIFF *lick finger* MY MOUF!"

Oooh, that one would be good after the prayer....

You know you're getting older when you listen to the radio and think, "Hey, I want that song played at my funeral." Don't act like you haven't done it.

As I am learning to embrace my inner redneck, I am considering being rolled out of the sanctuary to the heartfelt strains of "Freebird". Nothing says 'end of the show' like a Skynard anthem. I'm going to stipulate that lighters be passed out to the mourners on the way into the service.

It takes a bitch to raise a pack...

So I'm going to chime in on this whole Jon & Kate Plus Eight deal. Yeah, I know Kate was tough on Jon, but let me just say, all day home with my three and I'm ready to go homicidal or suicidal! I used to feel a little bad for poor old Jon, with wifey berating him and correcting him in front of the world. Well I'm over that baby! Evidently, the new hair plugs he got (thanks to the show) went to his head, literally.

Poor, poor Jon. People want to take my pictures. Wah. I don't have any privacy. Boo frickin' hoo. Those kids are only gonna be cute for so long, better cash in while you can! While Kate was out earning a living, Mr. Fabulous was out chasing skirts, trying to reclaim his inner-teenagerdom, and getting his ears pierced. Just SCREAMS responsible Daddy, doesn't it?

I'll still watch Kate Plus Eight...Jon Minus Nine, not so much.

Sidenote: Jon Minus Nine keeps saying that he is "here for my kids." Well, he just moved out of state. Apparently, he is now "there for his kids."

A Sign of the Times...

It is not so hard to see the effect celebrity has on our lives. I have wondered many times how today's mindless, no-talent, famous-for-being-famous celebs will influence my childrens' lives.

The loss of Michael Jackson has brought back memories of listening to Jackson 5 8-track tapes, roller skating to "ABC", dancing in front of a mirror to "Rock With You", donning one glove and parachute pants and trying to recreate "Thriller" in the living room with my nextdoor neighbor, having a near seizure at the thrill of MJ doing the moonwalk at the Grammy's, wishing as I walked down the sidewalk that it would light up under my feet a la "Billy Jean."

It certainly is a sign of the times when my mourning Michael Jackson - amazing pop star, musical prodigy, legendary dancer, multi-generational entertainer, is quickly eclipsed by My Big Girl, who is mourning the devastating loss of Billy Mays - OxiClean guy.

I run to the TV everytime I hear MJ sing, she runs to the TV everytime she hears a commercial for Orange Glo.

The 5 Second Rule

I'm noticing that the "5 Second Rule" lengthens exponentially with each additional kid. I just walked past the laundry room and found The Boy eating Fruit Loops that he spilled in the floor in there yesterday. I asked, "They still crunchy?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "Cool" and kept on walking.....

Speaking of The Boy...will somebody please explain to me how it is that the same kid that will eat cereal off of the floor will have a COMPLETE FRIGGIN PANIC ATTACK if corn juice gets on his mashed pototoes?

It's Called Perfect 10, Not Perfect 20...

...or Why NOT to Put on Haircolor and Then Log onto Facebook

Yes, I color my hair. There...I said it. Don't judge me. It's NOT to change my color, mind you. And it's CERTAINLY NOT to cover any gray for crying out loud. I am simply trying to enhance my already-stunning color of dirty dishwater brown.

Yes, I color my own hair. When I've gone to the salon to get it done, I've always been disappointed when the towel comes off and I don't look like Lisa Rinna or Angelina Jolie. (I used to pay big bucks to go blonde in the summertime. But, thanks to well water, the result a few weeks later becomes, let's say, less than desireable. I got so used to the look I just started asking for White Trash Blonde with Well Water Lowlights). (By the way...yes, Miss Hairdresser...I see your "It's a brush, not a wand" sign up by the mirror. Cute....whatever...but I'm always expecting WAND!) So I started doing it myself. I figure if I'm going to be underwhelmed by the final result, I might as well save $70.

Well, the other day I put on Perfect 10 Light Ash Brown to, you know, enhance. Anyhoo, I thought I'd make wise use of my time (i.e., there was nothing on Bravo) so I decided I'd check in with my FB pals (i.e., I was looking for my daily validation - "They like me. The really like me!"). Looked at the clock - 9:49 a.m. Ten minutes to play and peruse on my beloved FB. Funny comment here...quip there...oooh, vacation pictures...aw, somebody sent me a Mojito!...oh, goody, a quiz!...Like this...Fan of that...what time is it? 10:09! Twenty minutes!?! Sweet Fancy Moses! I tear down the hallway, slide into the bathroom. Oh my lord, what have I done? Jump in the shower. RINSE, RINSE, RINSE DARN YOU! It's orange, I just KNOW it's ORANGE! Scrub, rinse, shampoo, rinse, conditioner, rinse. I should've just gone to the blasted hairdresser...this is gonna cost me a fortune to fix! Squeeze dry, breathe, put up into a towel, breathe....sigh. Whatever is under this towel...we can fix it. Walk to the mirror. Moment of truth...I slowly unroll the towel to reveal my fate...

Apparently, Light Ash Brown is the hair color industry term for dirty dishwater brown...

Professional Hair Color - $80.00; Perfect 10 Hair Color - $10; Internet hookup for Facebook - $50.00; avoiding disaster and ending up with the same stinkin' color you started out with - Priceless.

So here we go....

Okay, all my Facebook friends, here goes. Thanks for suggesting this and for having faith that I could do it. Of course, by "do it" I mean turn on the computer and actually navigate myself to a site other than Facebook. As I said before, I barely know how to send something to the printer, and I'm practically euphoric if I pull off a successful Copy and Paste. And if you guys were all just blowing smoke up my butt just to mess with my emotions, well then there is a special place in hell for all of you: PSH, BJ, GH, SMS, JL, KPA, COB, FJS, RL, LVB, JRF, JO, DHW, RL, STT, SG, HBA, MNGF, LAMG....